Love
How well do you understand love? How good are you at applying that knowledge? The University of Life would like to know! Please take this simple six-question test to let us know what you know so we’ll know which lessons we should develop next. Thanks!
Poll results will be posted and updated here periodically.
The University of Love’s first publication: Love 301: How to Love yourself, a step-by-step guide to your ideal life experience is now published and ready for you to read!
39 short & entertaining chapters explain what self-love is and how to see the very best in you and delight in the simple fact of being yourself.
UofLIFE.com price: $13.99 $12.99 – order at UofLIFE.com/books
Or order from Amazon.com:
Paperback: $13.99 j.mp/self-love-book
Kindle: $13.99 $3.99 j.mp/howtoloveyou
Reader comments so far are highly complimentary, like this one I received earlier this week:
“I don’t usually like self-help books, but this one’s really good! I think that’s because it makes so many good points and the chapters are short and entertaining to read.”
Emotions
$13.99 $12.99 Save $1 off retail price, and save even more on shipping (free for orders over $25). Your book will ship as soon as it arrives from the printer.
After five years of researching the nature of love and designing effective ways to teach it, The University of Love is pleased (and relieved) to present Love 301: How to Love Yourself, now ready for you to order.
Change your world as you discover what it means to love yourself and how to implement love’s magic into your daily living. Each chapter includes examples, explanations, and several types of application exercises to personalize your learning experience. Read Chapters 3 and 4 here for a small taste of what’s coming your way…
Read Chapters 3 and 4 for a small taste of what’s coming your way.
Emotions
Read Chapters Three and Four from Love 301: How to Love Yourself to give you a small taste of what’s in store for you. Order your copy today!
39 chapters and 134 pages will change the way you think and feel about and treat yourself, even if you think you already love yourself just fine.
Q: Why does Teilhard de Chardin compare harnessing love to discovering fire?
A: Because fire changed everything, and so will love, if we ever learn to understand it, teach it, and thus drastically increase its presence in our relationships and institutions.
Q: Which institutions will it change?
A: All of them.
Consider these insightful quotes about education:
And these about business:
Imagine what a politician could do when motivated by the highest, most satisfying ideal:
Even the pain of addictions, which is really a struggle to find peace, can be eased and replaced by love’s connecting power.
Q: When will this happen? When will we learn to “harness the energies of love”?
A: Why not right now? It’s high time. The University of Love will show the way. That’s our goal.
Have you ever watched someone walking down the street, smiling and happy, a bounce in their step, and thought, “I bet they’re in love”? Have you ever observed the way a person’s countenance changes as they fall in love? Suddenly they become happier, their eyes shinier, and the weight on their shoulders seems to float away and vanish in the clear blue sky.
That’s what love does to us. Not only does it pour more dopamine and other positive chemicals into our blood streams and brains, it shifts our focus to the positive and hopeful. Worries fade away. We become more willing to risk and invest in ourselves and play. Merely being alive becomes a continual pleasure.
The benefits of being in love don’t stop there, because our bright, shining aura naturally attracts all other living beings who long to bask in its light. Sure, a few jaded souls (we’ve all been there) may feel envious as our happiness highlights their contrasting emptiness, but if they can get past souring something sweet, our cheerful, lively presence will lift them as well.
How unfortunate, don’t you think? That when we’re not in love, when we’re alone and lonely and need to look more happy and shiny in order to increase our attractiveness and, perhaps, draw love into our own lives, that when we need it most, we may lack that brilliant, happy, optimistic glow shining from behind our eyes?
But wait a second – stop and read that quote again. Notice that it doesn’t say “life is kinder to people who are in love” – which, sometimes it is and sometimes it isn’t – but “kinder to those who love themselves.”
Sure, we like to think that being in love or being loved by someone else is what gives us value and self esteem and happiness, but if you don’t love yourself first, then those things provide only a pleasant band aid over a festering wound.
So if you’re looking for more love in your life, begin by loving yourself better. Study up on what that means and how to accomplish it here at the University of Love and put those steps into practice immediately! You’ll have a bounce in your step before you know it; then watch as you attractive higher-quality love into your life than ever before!
It seems like everybody’s addicted to their smart phones these days, and we feel as if we’d suffocate if we can’t sneak a quick glance to check our messages and new likes. Some of us are addicted to food, shopping, gambling, video games, drugs, porn, and other substances/activities that momentarily soothe our nerves.
This happens because of neurotransmitter rewards. In other words, each time we get a new like or take another hit of our favorite “drug,” our brain rewards us with a quick shot of dopamine. That hit – the message, food, new shoes, etc. – isn’t what we’re actually addicted to, it’s the dopamine. All those activities are merely methods to stimulate its release.
What would happen to our world if we became addicted to loving behavior instead? To kind words, generous gestures, acts of courage and nobility, healthy self care, kindness, acceptance, and spiritual growth?
It just so happens that love is the original drug, and one of the most powerful drugs in the universe – or rather, it releases many of the most powerful drugs, like dopamine, inside us. All other drugs or addictions are mere substitutes when available supply of the real thing gets too low, or the “price” climbs too high.
Getting addicted to love is simple: the more loving acts you commit, the more happiness floods your system, and the more your brain learns, “Hey, I LIKE that! Let’s do it again!!!”
To be crystal clear on which “type” of love I’m suggesting, I don’t recommend addiction to sex, hookups, or mere romantic love alone – not if it’s not tied to a genuine loving relationship. Sex without love provides only momentary pleasure, followed by a more enduring sense of separation and possible brain-structure damage when sex hormones are abused excessively.
If you’re lucky enough to fall in love and begin a healthy relationship, the addiction happens automatically as your brain floods continually with dopamine and other bliss-inducing neurochemicals. A broken heart comes from the very real pain of separation and withdrawal from all those natural happy drugs.
So if you’re in love – great! I envy you. Take good care of that relationship. And don’t settle for only romantic love, because eventually, it must settle into deeper mature love, so begin those habits now.
As for addiction to non-romantic love and connection, science has already proven its efficacy. For example, you may have read this popular article in the Huffington Post. Author Johann Hari quotes Professor Peter Cohen arguing that
human beings have a deep need to bond and form connections. It’s how we get our satisfaction. If we can’t connect with each other, we will connect with anything we can find — the whirr of a roulette wheel or the prick of a syringe. We should stop talking about ‘addiction’ altogether, and instead call it ‘bonding.’ A heroin addict has bonded with heroin because she couldn’t bond as fully with anything else.
It’s a sign of the times that how-to-bond-with-people requires explanation. We may spend plenty of time near others, we may have hundreds of Facebook friends, we may share what seem like intimate details such as exotic vacation photos, bathroom-mirror selfies, even what we ate for lunch, yet still feel isolated and alone.
So here’s how it’s done; here’s how to make connection addictive: simply make it good, and make it real.
That is, take a risk and LOVE.
Ask a genuine question and listen attentively to the answer, then ask follow up questions to prove that you were listening and you’re honestly interested and not just waiting for your turn to talk. Make people feel interesting and important by showing interest in them, in their thoughts and feelings. Make them feel safe enough to open up and be real.
Accept people exactly as they are, then encourage and support growth if they’re open to the idea.
Make eye contact. The eyes truly are the window to the soul and that’s where the most valuable connection can be found. If eye contact makes you uncomfortable, that resistance reveals that your vulnerability lies just beyond that wall of discomfort – push through your fear until you strike gold.
Share your honest feelings, even when it scares you to become so vulnerable and transparent. Share your dreams, your fears, and express your true passions. There can be no avoiding this requirement. There’s no way around it. It’s impossible to connect if you don’t open up and show your true heart.
See? It’s not so hard! You can do this! After all, it’s not so different from the safe, sterile distance of social media: just like, comment, and share – only this time, do it in person and share more of the true you than you’re accustomed to. As you do, you’ll discover that Face to Face can prove far more rewarding and addictive than Facebook. You’ll be happy you did.
And sometimes, you won’t. Sometimes you’ll just feel nervous and scared or intimidated; silly, embarrassed, and even humiliated. Love yourself and everyone else enough to face your fears and keep on connecting anyway. Set a good example and hope it goes viral, even if you can’t measure your influence on a website.
Now get to work. Call up a friend (text if you must) and schedule a get together, or begin with the stranger sitting next to you on your commute. Greet a neighbor and find something in common.
Help an old lady across the street – maybe someone will record you on their phone and you’ll become an internet sensation! When you do, you’ll remember that the genuine, authentic, real, in-person, first-hand experience trumped whatever shallow value that shallow, weak, internet connections can offer.
And next time you feel the urge to check your messages, maybe you’ll phone someone instead, or look up and deliver an IS (Instant Smile) to whoever walks by.
Where do you fall on the “Addicted to Love” love slider?
| 1: You’re wrong! Social media (or drugs, porn, music, etc.) is better than real-life connection! Wait, I mean, social media (or drugs, porn, music, etc.) IS real life! The only reason to even consider your opinion is that your site has 12,000 likes. | 3: I’d love to love and feel loved, but I’ve been hurt and it’s too scary to open up and trust and connect, so don’t ask me to try! | 5: I WOULD RATHER JUMP OFF A CLIFF than open up and connect with people… but… maybe… someday, I’ll give it a little try. Just not yet. | 7: I’m trying to be more open, vulnerable, and loving both online and in person, and even though it scares me a little, I’ll keep going. | 10: I love myself and everybody so much that I often say and do kind things and enjoy genuine connections everywhere I go! |
11. Going to extremes: there’s nothing inherently wrong with social media, so you don’t need to delete all your accounts unless you’re truly addicted and that’s the only way to break free. Social media is what you make of it, so show more love and vulnerability there, too.
When was the last time you stepped a little outside of your comfort zone to do something loving? How did it make you feel? Did it make you want to do it again?
When was the last time you let yourself be vulnerable and you got hurt or it didn’t turn out well? What lessons did you learn from that experience – did you decide to give up or are you willing to keep trying?
Start thinking nice things about everyone you see. When you feel brave enough, say them out loud. See how people respond to unexpected love.
Spend F2F (face to face) time with someone you don’t usually see or improve the quality of time you spend by inserting small acts of love. See how you like it and observe how others respond – immediately and over time.
You may not even know it, but your heart is not all the way open and you don’t know what you’re missing. This article shows you how to open your heart wider and explains why you should want to.
Let’s get started with a variety of exercises, and you can continue practicing until you get comfortable with your new & improved state. Note which exercises you find most difficult and practice them with any images you find throughout your day until they get easier and come naturally.
To open your heart, begin by opening your eyes and seeing all the good that exists. Let positive emotions follow and allow them to soften the walls that dampened your ability to feel.
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Look at this father and son and imagine how they feel about each other, one at a time.For example, the boy may feel secure and happy, playful, trusting, etc.The father may feel proud, caring, patient, the joy of loving, etc.
Note that whatever feelings you project onto these models are actually experienced by yourself. Also note that experiencing such positive thoughts and emotions builds and strengthens them inside your own brain and heart. Experience them long enough, even vicariously, and they will become yours. They will become your new norm. Allow them to replace older, harder, more cynical thoughts and feelings. |
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Observe this attractive couple enjoying themselves and dancing and note your reaction. Are you happy for them? Would you like to join them? Are you ambivalent? Envious? Do their youthfulness and happiness remind you of what you lack?
Whatever your reaction, now turn it love. Look at each individual and imagine what their life might be like – it’s struggles and successes, their confidence and doubts, hopes and fears. Whatever you imagine, feel empathy for them and wish them all the best. Following this pattern, begin to notice your reactions to people all around you and in the media, and each time you note a negative reaction, consciously choose to change it to love. |
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How do you react to conflict? One at a time, imagine you’re each of these people, obviously having a disagreement. Each appears to believe their position to be correct and their partner to be unreasonable and wrong.
Once you’ve imagined what they may be feeling, open your heart and try to experience feelings of love for yourself (or, rather, for the person you’re imagining). How does this affect your willingness to communicate and cooperate better with your other half? Also practice loving the partner – see the good in them, desire their happiness and growth – and observe how that affects the imaginary interaction. |
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How easy is it to love this attractive couple who appears to have everything – youth, money, health, and attractive bodies?
Remember that while it may be nice to feel attracted to such things, that attraction is only the first step on the way to true love. Don’t let yourself stop at admiring only their outward physical traits; practice seeing them as people with similar thoughts, feelings, hopes, fears, and other experiences as the rest of us. |
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If you think these imaginary scenarios don’t “work,” note that your brain doesn’t distinguish well between reality and imagination.
Look first at the adorable little girl and generate a feeling of love for her, then switch to the cartoon boy and note that you can harbor similar feelings for each. Your imagination provides a safe practice area to try on new feelings and exercise and expand the best ones. Whichever thoughts and feelings you choose to focus on will grow stronger and manifest themselves in your actual, real, tangible, non-imaginary life…so choose wisely! |
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Note also that your experience of love and open heartedness is not limited to yourself and other people.
Try opening your heart to beauty, nature, and any other commendable thing and enjoy the happiness that your perspective draws into your life. If you can’t bring yourself to love spiders yet…don’t worry, perfection takes time. |
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How easy is it to love people who you don’t find attractive and who have nothing to offer you?
Older people in our culture often get forgotten because on the surface, they may appear to have nothing of value to share – as if love were more like an economic exchange rather than a skill whose practice brings its own rewards. If you sometimes feel this way, practice opening your heart to this image of an old man until you experience the infinite value of any human connection and perhaps perceive various values like wisdom, interest in his life experience, etc. |
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Here’s a guy wearing shades, looking cool, and possibly protecting his vulnerable heart with a tough facade.
Open your heart and love him anyway, see if you can break through his protective shell. If this image doesn’t work, imagine people you know who wear masks, who don’t feel good enough, who overcompensate for their insecurity with arrogance and false bravado. |
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Now imagine people who feel superior to you, who are intentionally cruel to you, who leave you out of the popular “in” crowd – or who you imagine would exclude, despise you, fear you, or shut you out of their hearts for any reason.
Open your heart and love them and note how that places you in a position of power, and how you no longer need to react to their perceptions but become free to be your best self at all times. |
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Do you find this expensive sports car attractive? If so, that’s perfectly fine, but note the difference between loving a car and loving people.When you love a car, it’s primarily selfish, based on the desire for enjoyment or prestige.
When you love a person, it’s primarily selfless, based on your desire for their well being and progress. If you “love” people primarily based on your desire to consume and use them selfishly, then boy, are you missing the boat! The best part of love comes from what you give, not what you get. |
As you practice opening your heart, you’ll learn that love and happiness truly aren’t about the other person, they depend on YOU and your ability to be a loving, happy person.
Where do you fall on the “Open Up Your Heart” love slider?
| 1: The only value I get from anyone or anything else comes from how it satisfies my appetites. | 3: I’m too scared or hurt to open my heart. I’ll open it when someone loves me enough that it heals all my wounds and proves that it’s safe to come out. | 5: I love myself, my family, and my friends. Everyone else is competition for scarce resources, including happiness and love. | 7: I’m trying to love everyone, but it’s not always easy! | 10: The world is so filled with beauty and joy that I want to share it with everyone I see! |
11. Going to extremes: if you’re new to opening your heart to everyone, BE CAREFUL! You’ll discover that it’s much easier than you thought to love everyone, and you may often experience feelings that you once reserved only for intimate romantic relationships. JUST BECAUSE YOU LOVE SOMEONE DOES NOT MEAN YOU BELONG IN A ROMANTIC RELATIONSHIP.
Which heart-opening exercises do you find more difficult? Why?
How much would you LIKE to open your heart? What are the biggest barriers to doing so?
Practice opening your heart to people and beauty wherever you go. You don’t need to do anything about it – at first – just observe. Eventually, courage, vision, and actions will follow.
I once heard a story wherein a fairy had become entangled in a hedge. A kind girl set her free and the fairy granted her a wish.
“I want to always be happy,” the girl declared, at which the fairy flitted up to her shoulder and whispered something in her ear. The girl looked surprised, and the fairy flew away, never to be seen again.
Well, the girl lived a long, satisfying life, and her wish came abundantly true. The tale of the fairy’s wish circulated among her family and friends, but no one knew what the fairy had whispered in her ear.
As she lay dying with her adoring family gathered around her hospital bed, a granddaughter took her hand and asked what several of them had wondered for years. “Grandma, what did the fairy tell you that made you so happy all your life?”
The old woman turned toward her granddaughter and caressed her cheek lovingly. “She told me,” she said slowly, “‘Everyone needs you.’”
With that, she closed her eyes, expelled a final breath, and passed from this life with a contented smile on her face.
When you understand that everyone does need you, when you start looking for what you can give and how you contribute to the lives around you by simply being yourself rather than imagining their criticisms and complaints, then you let love instead of fear permeate your life, and that guarantees more love and abundance than any outward blessing could ever accomplish.
[This article comes from chapter 5.49 “You Are Needed” of Heal Your Mind: A Practical Guide to Speaking Your Brain’s Languages and Turing Pain into Power by Shaun Roundy]SLIDER
Where do you fall on the “You Are Needed” love slider?
| 1: Nobody needs me. In fact, the world would be better off if I didn’t exist. | 3: Sure, people need me, but only for the work I do, and anybody could replace me if I was gone. | 5: Some people sorta need me, but they don’t really care about me. They just use me because I’m convenient. | 7: Only my close friends need and love me. That’s good enough. | 10: Everybody needs me whether they know it or not. They’d be okay without me, but their world would be diminished without me to brighten it up! |
11. Going to extremes: some people glean their sense of value from being needed. They continually check how others react to them (and project their worries onto others) and how many “likes” they get on Facebook to determine whether they’re safe and accepted. Your sense of value should be intrinsic for best effect. Accept yourself unconditionally and go forward from there.
What’s your most valuable contribution to the world? How does with your mere presence influence others?
How could loving yourself more make you even more important and needed to others?
Serve strangers in small or large ways and notice the difference you make. What would happen if everyone did that?
Serve yourself – do something that makes you truly happy – and notice how your cheerfulness affects others.
Explanations about how love works are all fine and good, but ideas don’t make much difference until you put them into action. That’s what love languages are all about.
Love languages is an idea popularized by Gary Chapman’s books that identify five specific ways that people show love, based on what they value. Some people give gifts, others say nice things, share quality time, do acts of service, or communicate affection through physical touch.
When two people don’t speak the same language, it’s helpful to observe how the other person expresses love. Then you can both notice more readily the messages being sent, and try expressing your affection in those terms so your partner will more clearly understand how you feel.
It’s also important to communicate – let your partner know how you communicate love and how you like to receive it. Otherwise you may totally miss the messages being sent and feel unappreciated for your efforts even though each of you may be doing your best.
Love languages reveal the method by which people prefer to express love, but that’s only the first step. How often and thoroughly those messages are spoken is even more important.
For example, if you understand love via gifts, do you prefer expensive ones or thoughtfully chosen ones more?
If you appreciate quality time, what does that mean to YOU? Do you prefer quality conversation, exciting adventures, or creating something together? How much does constantly checking your phone detract from that time?
If physical touch is your thing, then how long your massage lasts speaks volumes.
Your words and actions when you’re not communicating love also matter immensely. If one minute you say, “I love you!” (whether with words, gifts, touch, etc.) and the next minute, you’re criticizing, complaining, being angry or impatient, etc., those negative messages will undermine and can entirely erase your good intentions.
Where do you fall on the “Love Languages” love slider?
| 1: If people don’t love me the way I want and expect, then I’m blind to whatever they’re trying to communicate. I don’t believe they really love me, or they’re not very good at it! | 3: If someone really loves me, they’ll learn to love my love language best. If they don’t, I’ll find a new relationship where love doesn’t require so much effort! | 5: It’s so sad to speak separate love languages! We’ll never fully understand or appreciate each other, and it’s annoying to have to try! | 7: Speaking other love languages is sometimes inconvenient, but it’s important to try, and it’s worth it! | 10: I like my love languages best, but becoming bilingual sounds like a fun challenge. |
11. Going to extremes: In your desire to make the right impression and please someone, don’t deny or lose yourself. Don’t forget who you are and become someone else in order to please someone so they’ll love you back and you can feel secure. You may fool them for a while, but
How do you most often show love? How do you like to be shown when someone cares for you?
Do you think that your love language is the best one?
How do you think speaking different love languages would affect the quality of a relationship?
Look around at how people express love and affection and see if you can figure out their love language. Notice whether they send you any messages of love in their language.
Once you have a guess regarding someone’s love language, try speaking it. Make it a fun challenge, as if you were learning another language in preparation for an overseas vacation. See how fluent and comfortable you can become!
If you’re in a relationship, ask your partner what they like best that you do for them.
Emotions
Spring is in the air, and with it, people all around you are falling in love – including yourself.
Lucky you! Congratulations! The ecstatic bliss you now feel is the most joyous experience you’ve ever known. The sun shines brighter, birds sing more sweetly, and you’re about to live happily ever after!
But hold on for just a second – because you just realized how utterly sappy all that sounds to everybody else who’s not in love, and how much you sound like a Disney princess, which you know – or at least you used to know – is not exactly realistic.
So which is it? Are you in love or aren’t you? Will you live happily ever after or are you setting yourself up for heart break? Does True Love exist or is it only an appealing myth? You’d like to know for certain so you can plan accordingly.
Okay, great, let’s find out! Read more “Are You Really In Love?”
Confidence
Today’s podcast discusses overcoming self doubt and insecurity and features this quote from Don Miguel Ruiz: “Love is ruthless; it doesn’t feel sorry for anyone, but it does have compassion.”
We discuss how this reveals an important way to love yourself by not putting up with your brain’s silly doubting games and swap that in for unapologetic belief in yourself and devotion to your well being.