Acceptance

The second thing love does, after seeing a person clearly, is to accept them unconditionally.

That doesn’t make love blind to flaws, it doesn’t mean it has to put up with abuse or continue loving and caring for the person forever, nor that it won’t judge through love’s supportive filter or ask for change. Those decisions are separate and they come later.

It simply means that love sees what “is” and grows from there because THAT is the best way to foster happiness, joy, well being, and spiritual growth.

The opposite of unconditional acceptance is measuring. An unloving person may measure your value in terms of attractiveness, prestige, wealth and possessions, talent and ability, social power, or even what brand of clothing you wear and where you live.

A loving person may notice and assess such things, but their core reason for valuing you comes from a) your intrinsic worth as a person and b) their ability to love. That’s where the joy comes from, and outer trappings are cheap trinkets in comparison.

Unconditional acceptance is liberating and joyful, and it turns you into a happier, more lovable person. It allows you to enjoy people as they are rather than feeling continually frustrated and disappointed.

Measuring value, also known as “judging,” is tiring and small, and it turns on yourself like a wild dog as you tend to judge others by the same standard that you judge them. “Righteous judgment” means to see a person through the eyes of love and desiring their happiness and growth.

SLIDER

Where do you fall on the “Acceptance” love slider?

11. Going to extremes: unconditional acceptance of everyone doesn’t remove your responsibility to seek to understand what’s good and bad for people who you have any responsibility for, and to seek to understand such questions in the public square. If you accept everyone unconditionally because you’re afraid to make waves, then that’s not motivated by love, is it?

FOR DISCUSSION

Who do you find easiest to accept as they are? What kind of person, action, or opinion is more difficult to accept? What might others accept and not accept about you?

When you disagree with someone’s choices, how does that affect your ability to love them?

HOMEWORK

Pick someone in the news who you disagree with, then spend a while looking for the good in them and caring about their well being.

Next time you encounter someone you don’t feel prone to accept, seek to understand them better rather than judging them.

Courage

Have you ever wondered why love inspires such courage and “casteth out all fear”? Well, I’ll tell you!

There are actually several good reasons. The first one is Focus.

It’s like a surfer out to catch the perfect wave. Yes, there are sharks with three rows of razor-sharp teeth swimming around below the water’s surface, but the surfer isn’t thinking about them. Not very much, at least. Not enough to keep them on shore.

Because love’s primary focus is “the active concern for the happiness, joy, well being, and spiritual growth of its beloved,” it’s not thinking about all the things that could go wrong.

The second reason is security.

The only reason we have social fears is that the possibility of rejection and disconnection terrifies us. Therefore we struggle to prove that we’re good enough to be loved and accepted.

But love INCLUDES acceptance. It’s part of the package. Since disconnection is impossible with love, social fears quickly turn to vapor. You don’t need to struggle anymore because you just transcended the entire battle!

Test it out for yourself! Next time you feel afraid or intimidated, focus on LOVING whoever’s intimidating you. You will discover that this instantly places you in the power position because you have nothing to lose, only to give!

“Everything you are against weakens you. Everything you are for empowers you.” – Wayne Dyer

The third reason is that love brings power. It brings life. It makes you feel strong and capable and inspires you with the confidence to do whatever love aims to do. Courage is life unbridled.

When you love someone else, you can’t avoid splashing some of that love back on yourself, and when you love yourself, it brings out all the best in you.

SLIDER

Where do you fall on the “Courage” love slider?

11. Going to extremes: Some people appear courageous and confident but it’s really only bluster, false bravado, and cockiness based on fear but PRETENDING not to be afraid.

FOR DISCUSSION

What frightens you? Are your fears based on possible rejection or being judged? How can love reduce your fears?

What would you do if you weren’t afraid?

HOMEWORK

Do something (safe) that scares you. Every day. For the rest of your life! Until nothing scares you anymore.

Reimagine a past event that involved social anxiety. This time, imagine loving everyone and them loving you and feeling calm, confident and happy.

Ask yourself what you’d do if you weren’t afraid. Do that.

Celebrate

Have you ever been to a ball game? You walked in and took your seat, maybe munched on popcorn or a hot dog, and when your team scored, you leapt to your feet and screamed your head off as suddenly as if a hill of fire ants just erupted under your chair.

YOU didn’t score any points. YOU didn’t train for years to prepare for this moment. YOU didn’t run back and forth, dripping with sweat, struggling against the opposing team.

Yet even so, the victory is YOURS as much as theirs. You have every right to cheer! That’s what sports are all about.

There would be no reason for the players to do what they do without fans to cheer them on.

Now apply this to your love life, because that is exactly what love does. It celebrates the wins of other people.

When was the last time you celebrated someone else’s success?

You don’t need to be in love to cheer for someone. Just as you can cheer for any ball team you choose, you can cheer for any other person you want.

(This doesn’t give you permission to stalk them and become a creeper, of course. Regular people don’t put themselves on display the way sports teams do.)

When you take joy in someone else’s win, you increase the amount of love and joy in the world. In love, everybody wins.

SLIDER

Where do you fall on the Celebrates love slider?

FOR DISCUSSION

Why DON’T we automatically celebrate each others’ wins more often? What feelings get in the way?

How do you feel when you know others are cheering for you and on your side? How does that change your behavior?

HOMEWORK

Look around and count how many victories by other people you can observe in 24 hours. Count any success you want – from as large as getting a raise at work to as small as being allowed to merge in traffic.

Notice how celebrating others’ successes changes how you feel. Notice how it changes the way others feel about you.

Love 110: Love Abilities

Welcome to LOVE110. Now that you’ve studied the overviews of what love is and how it works in LOVE101, you’re ready to move from abstract concepts to dozens of specific applications to make you a better lover.

You may have registered for this course because you want to be loved more, and that is a worthy goal. We all need more love. We deserve more! It would make the world a better place in every way.

To Love or Be Loved, That is the Question

When people seek more love, they usually focus on becoming more lovable, and they usually do this by trying to become more attractive – by getting skinny and tan, wealth and prestige, stability, sense of humor, or whatever social currency they can drum up.

Erich Fromm summed it up nicely sixty years ago:

“Most people see the problem of love primarily as that of being loved, rather than that of loving, of one’s capacity to love. Hence the problem to them is how to be loved, how to be lovable.

What most people in our culture mean by being loveable is essentially a mixture between being popular and having sex appeal.”

The fact that attractive, wealthy, famous people feel just as lonely as the rest of us proves that this formula does not work.

It’s incredible how little we’ve learned in half a century!!!

Nothing external ensures that you’ll be loved. The only guaranteed way to get more love in your life is to generate it yourself, and LOVE 110 will show you how.

You’ll learn dozens of Love Abilities and you can test yourself on the Sliders to find out where you shine and where you have room to improve :).

Do your homework to make the most of your love education!