LOVE 201: How to Love – University of Life

Learned Limits

by Shaun Roundy

On one hand, love is an absolute. It is what it is, and it’s powerful, abundant, and infinite.

On the other hand, our experience of love is limited to our understanding of it – both conscious and subconscious.

Consciously, we observe how others love and assume that where they stop – where love capitulates to selfishness and fear – is the correct amount of love. Anything more or less would violate societal norms and call attention to ourselves. Then we would be judged, and that can be frightening.

Subconsciously, our ability to love is constrained by the unconditional and conditional love we received from our parents or other authority figures during our formative years.

Even if the love was there, if we didn’t receive it, then we couldn’t learn from it.

If we didn’t experience enough unconditional love – and most of us have not – then our minds have difficulty with the concept of loving ourselves or others unconditionally.

If we didn’t experience enough conditional love – which means to be encouraged, accepted, and rewarded for our efforts and accomplishments – then we may feel incompetent and lack confidence.

Now that we’ve grown up, the responsibility falls on ourselves to make up for whatever deficits we acquired during childhood, and that’s no easy task!

The solution begins with awareness.

Do you feel loved unconditionally? Do you feel safe and able to express yourself and risk because you know that even when you fail, you have a secure, accepting place – within yourself – to land?

If you don’t feel this way, it’s up to you to correct that deficit. I hope the many resources posted on this site will help.

Do you feel competent? Do you calmly and confidently go about your business, knowing that you’ll do a good enough job to be accepted and even appreciated and praised? If not, it would be worth your while to repair your paradigm.

SLIDER

Where do you fall on the “Learned Limits” love slider?


1: Nobody loves me, including myself. I am paralyzed by social anxiety and emotional distress. I don’t know what love means, and I’m not sure it even exists.	3: Most people are selfish jerks. I’m sorry, but that’s reality. If I don’t watch out for number 1, nobody’s gonna do it for me!	5: I love myself and others enough already. This is how it should be done. As long as I keep up with the Joneses, that’s good enough for me.	7: I love myself and others, but not perfectly. I’m striving to love and accept and celebrate myself and others more, and when I look back, I see myself progressing.	10: I feel happy, loved, and competent. I don’t need to analyze my capacity for love because I’m plenty busy loving myself and everyone!

11. Going to extremes: There’s no such thing as loving yourself too much or feeling too confident. If you get accused of that, then make sure you also love others the same way. If you do, great, and your accusers simply don’t understand love. If you don’t, then you may have a counterfeit of self love – selfishness, narcissism, pride, etc. Learn more about what it truly means to love yourself and you’ll find a happiness you can’t yet imagine.

FOR DISCUSSION

What do you think are appropriate limits of how much to love yourself and others? What would happen if someone loved more or less than that?

How loved did you feel as a child? Looking back, did your parents and others show love in ways you may not have recognized?

HOMEWORK

Find ways to show more love to yourself than you normally do. If it feels uncomfortable, continue until it feels more natural.

Find ways to show more love to someone you already love, someone you dislike, or a total stranger. Note their reaction.

Look around for examples of people who love more than the norm. What do they do differently? What effect does it have on them and on the people they show love to?

Acceptance

by Shaun Roundy

The second thing love does, after seeing a person clearly, is to accept them unconditionally.

That doesn’t make love blind to flaws, it doesn’t mean it has to put up with abuse or continue loving and caring for the person forever, nor that it won’t judge through love’s supportive filter or ask for change. Those decisions are separate and they come later.

It simply means that love sees what “is” and grows from there because THAT is the best way to foster happiness, joy, well being, and spiritual growth.

The opposite of unconditional acceptance is measuring. An unloving person may measure your value in terms of attractiveness, prestige, wealth and possessions, talent and ability, social power, or even what brand of clothing you wear and where you live.

A loving person may notice and assess such things, but their core reason for valuing you comes from a) your intrinsic worth as a person and b) their ability to love. That’s where the joy comes from, and outer trappings are cheap trinkets in comparison.

Unconditional acceptance is liberating and joyful, and it turns you into a happier, more lovable person. It allows you to enjoy people as they are rather than feeling continually frustrated and disappointed.

Measuring value, also known as “judging,” is tiring and small, and it turns on yourself like a wild dog as you tend to judge others by the same standard that you judge them. “Righteous judgment” means to see a person through the eyes of love and desiring their happiness and growth.

SLIDER

Where do you fall on the “Acceptance” love slider?


1: If you don’t wear the right clothes, drive the right car, and have the right look, don’t expect me to waste my time on you!	3: I’m too busy judging myself and trying to blend in to judge anyone else!	5: I try to accept most people, but people with different lifestyles make me uncomfortable and conflicting opinions are mostly bad and wrong.	7: I say live and let live – which means I don’t approve of drunk driving and other unhealthy life choices.	10: I disagree with lots of opinions out there, but I still love and wish the best for the people who hold them.

11. Going to extremes: unconditional acceptance of everyone doesn’t remove your responsibility to seek to understand what’s good and bad for people who you have any responsibility for, and to seek to understand such questions in the public square. If you accept everyone unconditionally because you’re afraid to make waves, then that’s not motivated by love, is it?

FOR DISCUSSION

Who do you find easiest to accept as they are? What kind of person, action, or opinion is more difficult to accept? What might others accept and not accept about you?

When you disagree with someone’s choices, how does that affect your ability to love them?

HOMEWORK

Pick someone in the news who you disagree with, then spend a while looking for the good in them and caring about their well being.

Next time you encounter someone you don’t feel prone to accept, seek to understand them better rather than judging them.

Courage

by Shaun Roundy

Have you ever wondered why love inspires such courage and “casteth out all fear”? Well, I’ll tell you!

There are actually several good reasons. The first one is Focus.

It’s like a surfer out to catch the perfect wave. Yes, there are sharks with three rows of razor-sharp teeth swimming around below the water’s surface, but the surfer isn’t thinking about them. Not very much, at least. Not enough to keep them on shore.

Because love’s primary focus is “the active concern for the happiness, joy, well being, and spiritual growth of its beloved,” it’s not thinking about all the things that could go wrong.

The second reason is security.

The only reason we have social fears is that the possibility of rejection and disconnection terrifies us. Therefore we struggle to prove that we’re good enough to be loved and accepted.

But love INCLUDES acceptance. It’s part of the package. Since disconnection is impossible with love, social fears quickly turn to vapor. You don’t need to struggle anymore because you just transcended the entire battle!

Test it out for yourself! Next time you feel afraid or intimidated, focus on LOVING whoever’s intimidating you. You will discover that this instantly places you in the power position because you have nothing to lose, only to give!

“Everything you are against weakens you. Everything you are for empowers you.” – Wayne Dyer

The third reason is that love brings power. It brings life. It makes you feel strong and capable and inspires you with the confidence to do whatever love aims to do. Courage is life unbridled.

When you love someone else, you can’t avoid splashing some of that love back on yourself, and when you love yourself, it brings out all the best in you.

SLIDER

Where do you fall on the “Courage” love slider?


1: I am totally paralyzed by fear and anxiety, but don’t worry, I’ll soon be dead of a heart attack and it will all be over.	3: I’m not living my dreams because I’m too busy living my fears. I scrape by, but I wouldn’t call it living!	5: I guess I’m afraid of rejection because I spend most of my life trying to fit in and be accepted by blending in and not being noticed.	7: Sure, public speaking and asking for a date or a raise freaks me out, but that doesn’t mean I don’t do it!	10: I’m not afraid of anything. Life is made of pure, endless, gorgeous, exciting opportunity!

11. Going to extremes: Some people appear courageous and confident but it’s really only bluster, false bravado, and cockiness based on fear but PRETENDING not to be afraid.

FOR DISCUSSION

What frightens you? Are your fears based on possible rejection or being judged? How can love reduce your fears?

What would you do if you weren’t afraid?

HOMEWORK

Do something (safe) that scares you. Every day. For the rest of your life! Until nothing scares you anymore.

Reimagine a past event that involved social anxiety. This time, imagine loving everyone and them loving you and feeling calm, confident and happy.

Ask yourself what you’d do if you weren’t afraid. Do that.

Celebrate

by Shaun Roundy

Have you ever been to a ball game? You walked in and took your seat, maybe munched on popcorn or a hot dog, and when your team scored, you leapt to your feet and screamed your head off as suddenly as if a hill of fire ants just erupted under your chair.

YOU didn’t score any points. YOU didn’t train for years to prepare for this moment. YOU didn’t run back and forth, dripping with sweat, struggling against the opposing team.

Yet even so, the victory is YOURS as much as theirs. You have every right to cheer! That’s what sports are all about.

There would be no reason for the players to do what they do without fans to cheer them on.

Now apply this to your love life, because that is exactly what love does. It celebrates the wins of other people.

When was the last time you celebrated someone else’s success?

You don’t need to be in love to cheer for someone. Just as you can cheer for any ball team you choose, you can cheer for any other person you want.

(This doesn’t give you permission to stalk them and become a creeper, of course. Regular people don’t put themselves on display the way sports teams do.)

When you take joy in someone else’s win, you increase the amount of love and joy in the world. In love, everybody wins.

SLIDER

Where do you fall on the Celebrates love slider?


1: you are a spoiled brat, a poor loser, and a poor winner. You don’t care about anyone else’s win and feel like their success diminishes you. You throw tantrums when you lose, curse a lot, and leave everyone else staring at you in shock with their mouths agape.	3: you are a sociopath or a narcissist. If it’s not your victory, then you couldn’t care less.	5: you’re competitive and love to win and talk smack. Even when someone beats you or your team, you’re reluctant to admit it. You enjoy seeing others lose as much as win.	7: you’re a pretty good sport, and when someone else wins, you can shake hands and say, “Good game” without getting an ulcer. If the other team makes a spectacular play, you don’t mind admitting that you’re impressed.	10: there’s no such thing as an “other team.” You’re on everyone’s side. Sure, you can play competitively and it’s fun to win, but it’s truly “not whether you win or lose, it’s how you play the game.”

FOR DISCUSSION

Why DON’T we automatically celebrate each others’ wins more often? What feelings get in the way?

How do you feel when you know others are cheering for you and on your side? How does that change your behavior?

HOMEWORK

Look around and count how many victories by other people you can observe in 24 hours. Count any success you want – from as large as getting a raise at work to as small as being allowed to merge in traffic.

Notice how celebrating others’ successes changes how you feel. Notice how it changes the way others feel about you.

Love 110: Love Abilities

by Shaun Roundy

Welcome to LOVE110. Now that you’ve studied the overviews of what love is and how it works in LOVE101, you’re ready to move from abstract concepts to dozens of specific applications to make you a better lover.

You may have registered for this course because you want to be loved more, and that is a worthy goal. We all need more love. We deserve more! It would make the world a better place in every way.

To Love or Be Loved, That is the Question

When people seek more love, they usually focus on becoming more lovable, and they usually do this by trying to become more attractive – by getting skinny and tan, wealth and prestige, stability, sense of humor, or whatever social currency they can drum up.

Erich Fromm summed it up nicely sixty years ago:

“Most people see the problem of love primarily as that of being loved, rather than that of loving, of one’s capacity to love. Hence the problem to them is how to be loved, how to be lovable.

What most people in our culture mean by being loveable is essentially a mixture between being popular and having sex appeal.”

The fact that attractive, wealthy, famous people feel just as lonely as the rest of us proves that this formula does not work.

It’s incredible how little we’ve learned in half a century!!!

Nothing external ensures that you’ll be loved. The only guaranteed way to get more love in your life is to generate it yourself, and LOVE 110 will show you how.

You’ll learn dozens of Love Abilities and you can test yourself on the Sliders to find out where you shine and where you have room to improve :).

Do your homework to make the most of your love education!